Prepare to unlock the secrets to successful parenting in our enlightening discussion with my wife, Kathy Gray. We promise to equip you with fundamental insights on how to nourish your child’s mind and heart while avoiding the pitfalls that come with this complex yet rewarding journey. We go beyond the casual ‘I love you’s and delve into the importance of dedicating time and undivided attention to your children, affirming their worth in a meaningful and lasting way. This episode also brings to the forefront the delicate balance between parental authority and responsibilities. We enlighten you on providing boundaries and parameters that instill a sense of safety, security, and motivation in your child. Unpacking the controversial topic of phone usage, we discuss why parents should not shy away from accessing their child’s phones, breaking down the misplaced concept of trust in this area. Moving on, we introduce the transformative ‘Servant Family’ concept, illustrating how to instill a spirit of service and humility in your children through your example. So, ready to revolutionize your parenting approach? Join us for this enriching conversation!
Key Takeaways:
- Show your children love by giving them time and attention.
- Trust should be earned through training, not given automatically.
- If you pay for your child’s phone, it is yours and you have the right to monitor its usage.
- Run your home like a theocracy, following God’s rules and making decisions as parents.
- Teach your children the value of serving others and being a servant family.
- Allow your children to make mistakes, but consider the facts before making judgments.
Where To Dive In:
0:00:01 Introduction to the podcast topic: how to save your child’s mind
0:01:30 Discussion on the importance of showing love and value to children
0:04:10 Explanation of why parents should not automatically trust their children
0:06:40 Agreement that if parents pay for their child’s phone, it belongs to the parents
0:08:07 Importance of setting boundaries and consequences for phone usage
0:09:34 Emphasis on the need to monitor and not trust children’s phone activities
0:10:20 Mention of the negative effects of dysfunction and depression in children
0:10:30 Reference to the experience of both speakers as former teachers
0:10:30 Conclusion of the podcast episode on saving children’s minds
0:10:20 Discussion about changes in the public school system
0:11:13 Explanation of theocracy and the importance of parental authority
0:13:09 Debate on whether to share hardships with children
0:14:50 Importance of being a servant family and setting an example
0:17:14 The need to let go of the idea of having rights
0:18:41 Teaching children to be servants through practical acts of kindness
0:19:42 Comparison of the concept of a man cave to the speaker’s upbringing
0:20:50 Acknowledgment of the speaker’s positive and non-caveman demeanor
0:21:16 Creation of a kind and happy atmosphere in the home
0:21:24 Rare occurrence of the speaker being upset
0:21:16 Steve Gray discusses his calm demeanor and willingness to watch what his family wants
0:22:04 Kathy Gray disagrees with the statement that children are guilty until proven innocent
0:22:48 The importance of allowing children to make mistakes
0:23:47 Getting the facts and not covering up mistakes
0:24:28 Need for love, compassion, and structure in parenting
0:25:18 Steve talks about his book “If You Only Knew”
About the host:
Steve Gray is the founding and senior pastor of Revive Church KC. He has been in the full time ministry for over 40 years and was launched into national and international recognition in the late 1990’s as the leader of the historic Smithton Outpouring, and again in 2009 when he lead the Kansas City Revival which was televised nationally on the Daystar television network. Steve is also a veteran musician, songwriter, recording artist and published author. His books include When The Kingdom Comes, Follow The Fire, and My Absurd Religion.
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Transcript:
0:00:01
You don’t want to miss today’s podcast, more faith, more life, where you’re going to learn how to save your child’s mind, understanding what parents should do and what they shouldn’t do. Don’t miss it. Hello, everyone, and welcome to another podcast of more faith, more life. I have a special guest with me again that we’ve had before. My wife, Kathy Gray, is with us. Welcome, Kathy. Thank you. And we’re going to talk today about how to save your child’s mind or how to just some hints about raising children, what to do, what not to, is just.
0:00:31
Kathy, the subject is too huge in one podcast to learn everything you need to know about how to save your child’s mind. But we’re going to go over a few things that most people I found don’t think of or make mistakes. Now, what I’d like you to do as you’re listening, I’m not going to just teach you or tell you, and we’re not going to teach you and tell you. Now, Kathy has not read this list that I have, so she’s going to be hearing it just like you’re going to be hearing it. And what we’re going to do is going to start out, I’m going to read a statement, and then you can do it at home or wherever you are, in the car or whatever. And Kathy, you can do it, too. You can say agree or disagree.
0:01:04
All right? And if you disagree, you can tell me why you disagree. If you agree, then you can tell me why you agree, and then I can comment, too. And then we’ll go to another question as long as we have time. Okay? How to save your child’s mind. Everybody ready? Listening to think. Do you agree with this statement? You owe your children your love. You don’t owe them your trust. You owe your children your love. You don’t owe them your trust.
0:01:30
Now, there’s a reason I did that. It’s a question on purpose because of so many mistakes parents make. But anyway, you owe your children your love. You don’t owe them your trust. You at home, what do you do? Agree. Disagree. What do you think, Kathy? Agree.
0:01:42
Disagree. You don’t owe them your trust. You owe them your love, but you shouldn’t trust your kids.
0:01:52
Well, there you go. You totally agree.
0:01:54
Say it right?
0:01:55
Yeah. Well, obviously the obvious answer is, of course, we owe them our love. And we talk a lot about unconditional love and loving our kids, and they need to know they’re loved. And by the way, Catherine, when we talk about loving, it’s not good enough just to say, I love you. Love shows. As you know, we’ve talked many times, love shows value. So you have to do something that shows they’re valuable. And usually to show value, you have to give them time and attention.
0:02:23
You mean you don’t have to give them the latest tennis shoes or money to go out and run around with their friends?
0:02:29
I’m sure they’d feel blessed. But that does not make children feel loved. Even poor children in countries where I’ve been, where they have nothing, absolutely nothing, which I wrote in a book recently about when I was in the Philippines and there were kids playing. They were three years old, five years old, and the parents were homeless, and the kids were happy as can be, and they were playing in the dump.
0:02:52
I mean, not a small dump, a city dump, huge, laughing, having a good time. And they were such a happy family, so happy with so little. And so that’s not going to do it. So you need to give them time and attention, basically, be well. You do it all the time. Like with our grandson. What do you do to show him without giving him a gift? You haven’t given him a gift or anything to show them that he’s valuable?
0:03:18
Well, I set aside time with them. Every time I’m over at their house, I set aside time with him alone. We look at each other right in the eyes and I give him my full attention and I affirm him and I tell him good things about himself and plant hope that he can do anything and just listen to him. He plays the keyboard sometime and I’ll say, I love that chord you just played. So I try to affirm and give him something of me in some area that he’s interested in.
0:03:51
And this is a 13 year-old, so he’s obviously entering the teen years, but it’s really Working and giving it time. And that’s the problem. People feel like two things. They don’t have. They don’t have time and energy to give attention to other people. But those are the two areas you have to set aside even a short amount of time or just be interested in what they’re doing.
0:04:10
I think just your full attention, even just looking a kid in the eyes, getting down to their level.
0:04:15
Yeah, it doesn’t have to be a long period of time. Well, anyway, that’s not really the question on this, though. If we agree we owe them our love, and now we’ve defined love equals value, not just I love you, but you don’t owe them your trust. And this is where so many parents, I think, go wrong. They feel like they owe trust and so they give it to them, thinking, well, I got to give them my love and I must show them that I trust them.
0:04:42
And it doesn’t work because your children are not there to be trusted. They’re there to be trained. And so you need to train your children well. Untrained. Untrained anybody. Untrained people can’t be trusted, not because they’re bad, but because they don’t know. And so they will make mistakes thinking they’re trusted and then they’ll make mistakes. And then you’re upset that they made mistakes. Now they feel like, what?
0:05:14
They’ve lost your trust, but if you don’t give it to them, they can’t lose it. I’m here to train you. I don’t have to give you my trust because you’re going to make mistakes and you’re going to learn and we’re going to train this together. And so it’s a big, big mistake. Parents do it all the time, especially of teenagers. And being in the church world, it’s probably one of the biggest mistakes Christian parents do.
0:05:40
I brought them to church and they go to church. They seem to be okay. They’re doing what the church. They’re looking good in church or whatever. Go to youth group. And so I’m going to trust them and you can’t. They’re not trained and they won’t be trained for a long time. So your job is to train them. You don’t have to trust them. And it’s okay to say no. I’m not here to Give you my trust. I’m here to give you my training.
0:06:04
They’ll understand. And isn’t it so clean? Doesn’t it feel so good?
0:06:08
Yeah. And, you know, in the long run, they’ll be talking that same way to their children because they learn that it makes them feel safe. Safe.
0:06:17
And we’ve seen that with our kids and grandkids and great grandkids.
0:06:21
Right? Great grand.
0:06:22
So anyway, enough on that one. There’s so much more we can talk, but we need to cover more. Okay. This one’s easy, probably, but I don’t know if everybody agrees with this. If you pay for their phone, it is yours, not theirs. Agree or disagree? The whole world.
0:06:39
Amen.
0:06:40
Yeah. So you agree?
0:06:42
I agree.
0:06:43
And what about that?
0:06:44
Yeah. Anything that you give them, they’re living under your care, your provision, and under your attitudes about life. Well, then anything that you provide for them. They need to understand, you are the provider, you are the source, and that’s a good motivator, actually. I think you’ve used it on our daughter and it works.
0:07:09
Losing their phone is probably the number one thing they don’t want to happen and it takes their whole world away because they built the whole world around it. But they have to know, in my opinion, they have to know ahead of time. That is a consequence. So here’s the deal. We’re in agreement. This is what it’s going to be. These are the boundaries, or these are the parameters that we set for your safety, not because we’re bad parents, but for your safety. This is what I feel comfortable with and I want you to feel comfortable with it. Do you agree? And they agree and all that stuff.
0:07:39
And then when they don’t do it, you have to let them know ahead of them. But if you breach this boundary or you breach the parameters of our agreement or you break the agreement, then I’m going to take your phone. And parents feel like they can’t because the phone belongs to them and they’re even afraid to look what’s on the phone. I mean, that’s very common, like it’s private, like you’re reading their diary or something and you can’t. Oh, I can’t? That’s their diary. But you must look at their phone.
0:08:07
There are programs that can help you do that and help you keep track of everything they do, because if you pay for it, it’s yours. And they need to know. This is my phone. I’m letting you use it and I can look at it anytime I want to and I can do whatever I want with it, include it, take it away for whatever length of time. Now, listen, we’re not saying these things to you to be popular. You’re not here to be their buddy, right? You’re here to train them and they need to know the parameters.
0:08:36
They’ll get frustrated and if they don’t know, like that, you take the phone away and they didn’t know you were going to take the phone away, but now you could say, look, and you don’t even have to get emotional. I tell leaders and parents, anybody in leadership, anyone with authority, never has to lose their temper, never has to yell, never has to yell. If you have to yell and scream, then you don’t feel like you have the authority.
0:09:01
And they say they don’t have any authority. They’re trying to move me by yelling and screaming. So people of authority, stay calm. If you’re a parent in authority, stay calm, let them know the parameters and let them know the consequences ahead of time. And that I can take your phone anytime I want. Now, that’s the worst thing that can happen to them. So it’s the best thing that you can do for them is to let them know I own this phone and it’s to protect them. And by the way, you need to keep track of what they’re back to. The trust one, don’t believe a word they say about what they do. Their phone.
0:09:34
That’s right. Don’t trust them on that. It’s just, no, it’s too dangerous. There’s too many temptations. And their buddies send them new apps or whatever other secret things. And you can’t trust your kids.
0:09:48
You cannot trust them on the phone. It’s too powerful.
0:09:51
That’s right.
0:09:52
And it’s too powerful for adults. How can it not be too powerful for them? And so you have to let them know that we’re not making a trust deal by giving you the phone. I can look at it anytime. So anyway, you want to save their mind so they don’t get dysfunctional. Today we’ve got depressed, dysfunctional, discouraged. List just goes on and on, kids on medication. Some schools have special rooms for kids to go and throw a tantrum.
0:10:20
They used to have time out.
0:10:25
We were both in the public school system before we went into the full time ministry.
0:10:30
Yeah, as teachers.
0:10:31
And it wasn’t like that then. It was better like that then. You could still train and discipline your kids. But, boy, it’s really changed, hasn’t it?
0:10:43
Yeah. And parents are afraid. They’re afraid. I can’t take the phone away. I got to let them know they’re trusted, blah, blah, blah. Okay, let’s go to another one. Now, number three, agree or disagree? You meaning the parent, you are not a democracy. You are a theocracy. Okay, now we have to define it because don’t worry if you don’t know what a theocracy is, a lot of people don’t. You do, but you don’t. You know what it is? What a theocracy basically is God’s rules.
0:11:13
It’s God rules, Theo. God rules, but God rules through the parent, and so God’s ruling through you. So now the last thing you want to do is break God’s pattern and make your home a democracy.
0:11:29
Wow.
0:11:30
Yeah. And a democracy you agreed with. Did I ask you if you agreed? No, you keep talking.
0:11:36
Ask me, but I was hoping my face showed it.
0:11:39
Yeah. So you agree with that?
0:11:41
Oh, I agree with that.
0:11:42
And a democracy, of course, everybody has a vote, everybody has an opinion, and everybody is equal level. All right? So if one person goes into the voting booth and then another person goes into the voting booth, the person that went first can’t be less than the person that went in second. Everybody goes in equal, getting to do equal time, equal vote, equal decision making. And so the mistake is if I say a democracy, then a lot of parents say, well, we don’t vote.
0:12:12
I don’t let my kids vote. We don’t vote on things. Yeah, but you’ve established a democracy because everybody’s got an equal. Everybody’s equal and the parents aren’t above. The parents don’t have authority, the parents don’t make the decisions, and so you lose it. So it needs to be like God does. Now, you’re not going to be God, but God rules in a theocracy and he doesn’t ask your opinion. Okay? He might ask your opinion. In rare cases, that is rare.
0:12:41
He’s going to tell you through the word of God, the Bible, through your unction of the Holy Spirit, he’s going to tell you what he wants. He’s going to let you know the best choice and what he needs to do. Now, you may not listen, and your kids may not listen either, but you need to be like a theocracy. You’re not God, but you need to set up a government of the home like a theocracy, okay? You’re the head parents are the head parents. Make the decisions. You can include them as much as you want to.
0:13:09
And sometimes it is good to include them. I think in today’s world, it’s difficult for me to make a decision on this so they can agree or disagree. But sometimes I feel like when parents are going through a struggling time, maybe financially, in marriage, relationship, or whatever, sometimes I feel like they should share some of that with the kids because kids can then think there’s nothing to life. It’s just everything’s provided. There’s no hardships. My parents aren’t challenged or sacrificing to make this happen.
0:13:46
On the other hand, though, I have a strong feeling that they should get to be kids and do they really need to know that? Money is tight and it’s hard and we’re barely making it. So it’s up to the parents. I think sometimes it’s up to the situation. I’d like kids to be kids and not have to know all the hardships of adulthood. However, depending on the child and the circumstance, sometimes I think to include that we are challenged right now as parents. We’re challenged. We’re going to make it. Don’t be afraid, those kinds of things.
0:14:17
But that maybe let them know that we’re in a situation that’s challenging
0:14:22
And you know, if you remember you’re a theocracy, then you let them know we are in a situation right now. We’re in a situation. It’s challenging, but God is our source. We got a great heavenly Father and your dad and I, we’re praying and we believe in God. And God says he will always take care of us. And if you put that in and balance it out with them, knowing some of the need, it builds their confidence.
0:14:50
Yeah. It’s a life lesson then, and it’s a faith lesson. So it depends on what your skill is, your skill level as a parent. And if you present it in an emotional, fearful way, then that’s not letting them be the child, but if you can provide it in a faithful way. Okay, how about another one? Okay. You agree with this? You are a servant family. There is no Bill of Rights.
0:15:16
I agree.
0:15:17
Yeah. So how does that work if you’re a servant family, and particularly in our family, you can describe maybe how we presented, because we’re in the ministry. So our kids are all ministry minded and they’re all even grandkids. All their parents are in the ministry in our family. So we’re a servant family. But how did we get that across? What attitudes did we have when there were choices that other choices that other kids were making? But we’re a servant family.
0:15:46
How did we put that across to them?
0:15:48
Well, I think by example, you are a great servant. You wake up every day saying, how can I serve you, Lord, and who can I help today? And that’s just who you are. And you don’t go by a set of rules. I’m going to serve someone today and reach out. But your life example sets it that you know how to serve. Lay down your life, reach out. You always want to find the way to help someone. You always work hard.
0:16:19
And to me that is being a servant.
0:16:22
Yeah. And with all our kids, by watching that, they would realize how many times, even now in their own lives, when they had something else planned. And somebody needs help. Somebody needs a phone call, and it’s just another phone call. You just got off the phone, but somebody needs a phone call. And I watch them as they get that, and I watch them say, well, we were going to go out to eat or we were going to leave everybody waiting. You know what?
0:16:48
I need to call this person. They’re in need. And we all go, yeah, that’s who we are. We’re servants. And so we understand that you need to do this. We wish you didn’t because we’re ready to go eat. But we understand and we give way. We give way. And so many people, they live like as a Christian or a servant family. They’re not a servant family. They live as though there’s a Bill of Rights. And you’ll feel that when they say, well, I have a right.
0:17:14
I have my rights. I have my right to my space. I have my right to my time. You don’t have rights to me. I get to go to my room and shut out the world or slam the door and say, I hate you. You don’t have those rights. Because then, see, everyone that comes in the kingdom of God comes in as a servant. And it is amazing dealing with Christians, as many as we have for so many years, how offended they get. And yet, if you ask them if they’re a servant, say, yes, I’m a servant. I know I’m called to be a servant. I just want to serve.
0:17:47
But if you’re a servant, servants don’t get offended. Servants just do what needs to be done. And here they’re angry and offended. They didn’t get the attention they were supposed to get or whatever. And so if you build a serving family, then you don’t have a wife or a child or a husband. If you. Well, I have a right, you should be treating me better. You don’t treat me the way I should be treated. But if you’re a servant, you just don’t think like that. You think like, I’m here to treat, to serve, to do, to be. And that’s what makes us happy. Serving makes people happy.
0:18:17
And to go help people, take your family and go help them rake the leaves in someone’s yard, or you all get together and you all babysit some young couple’s kids and those people need a break. And so your whole family says, bring your babies over here for a couple of hours. Doing some practical things can really help the kids. And it gets in their blood.
0:18:41
Teaching kids to be servants, as each one of these we’ve mentioned will save their mind, because if they think they have a bill of rights, they’re going to be frustrated, angry. They’re going to feel like they’ve been done wrong. I’m not treated right. Nobody understands me. It goes on and on and on. But if you raise a servant family. Not just the kid to serve, but raise a servant family. Kathy, I heard on the radio a guy was talking and he was talking about his house.
0:19:11
And he probably has one kid, two kid. So he’s what, 35 or something? He was talking about his house. He says, yes, sometimes at night. He said, I just have to get away from my family and go to my man cave. And I thought about that and us. Great. You know how it was for me growing up, my dad didn’t have a man cave. He had the whole house. The whole house was his, right. The whole house was his. And before remote controls, you had children for one reason.
0:19:42
They sat and watched what dad wanted, or mom, what the parents wanted to watch. And what did you do? You got up to change the channel when they asked you to? Would you change the channel for me? Because dad, my dad particularly just in that case, didn’t want to get up. And we had four kids, so the younger ones had to get up. But his man cave was the whole house. We watched what he said. And if he wanted, he may have us watch something we all like.
0:20:08
Well, you know, gun smoke. I came to love gun smoke.
0:20:11
Nobody’s going to know what that means. Hey, that’s old smoke. Old smoke. Yeah, but that was a show parents liked.
0:20:19
That’s right. Dad’s a specialist.
0:20:20
And Bonanza.
0:20:21
Bonanza, another.
0:20:22
But we were real little then. We were tiny when that came on. But it went on for a lot of years. But I thought about that, how even that dad was saying, I have to get away from everything to be a man. I have to have a man cave. And so my man cave is my whole house. Right? And growing up, it was the whole house.
0:20:41
But you know what? I got to say this about you, and everybody needs to get this. You are not a caveman.
0:20:49
Right?
0:20:50
And you don’t need a man cave because you’re not a caveman because you don’t make all the rest of us feel like your servants are slaves. But in that manliness of the atmosphere that you create, Steve, it gives us all peace and joy. And it’s not. The kids are cowering, going, oh, no. And of course, Dad’s upset, or he had a long, hard day.
0:21:16
I’ve never been that way.
0:21:18
It’s a kind and happy atmosphere that you create. You. It is rare, non caveman.
0:21:24
It is rare to see me upset.
0:21:26
Yeah.
0:21:26
And yet I have plenty of things, like everybody in life. But it’s also rare that I would make any kids or you or anybody family watch a television show I wanted to watch because I don’t care.
0:21:37
That’s right.
0:21:37
I just want to be with them. And so if they want to watch something, what do I care? My joy is being with them, not doing what I want to do.
0:21:46
That’s right.
0:21:46
Okay, let’s try to get one more in for. We run out of time. Okay, this is a hard one, so we might have to move quick on it because it is hard. They children, they are guilty until proven innocent. That’s a hard one. I don’t know what you want to do, folks. You want to agree? Disagree.
0:22:04
Everyone in the world is innocent until proven guilty, including children.
0:22:09
Okay, good point. So she disagrees with the statement. However, if I take it a little farther along, you can realize what happens is parents give the blanket of innocence and they begin to always protect them from anything. And so they don’t let the facts because it says innocent until proven guilty. What do facts do? Facts till you’re proven guilty. And they don’t look at the facts. And that hurts the child’s mind because a guilty child that is not ever allowed to be guilty.
0:22:48
Now do you see what I’m saying? Is allowed to be guilty. Children make mistakes. They need to know they can make mistakes. They need to know. I think I told you this yesterday. They need to know when they’ve crossed the line into rebellion or defiance, standing up against you as a parent. That can’t be. That should be punished. But not all mistakes should be punished. And so they have this ability to make a mistake.
0:23:13
But make sure you get the facts. Every kid says, I didn’t do it. Every kid does it. They’re all going to say, I didn’t do it. So get the facts. Go talk to the teachers, talk to the school, talk to whatever, because a lot of times they did. And they need to know it’s going to be okay if you did because I’m going to work on it with you. We’re going to get through this if you did, but we’re not going to cover it up and blame otherwise. You have a victim in your house the rest of their lives. They’re always going to blame somebody else because it’s never their fault. So make sure you get the facts and let them know it’s okay. We can look at the facts and it’s going to be okay.
0:23:47
It’s okay to make mistakes.
0:23:49
That’s so good.
0:23:50
Well, there’s so much more we could say, but we’re trying to save their mind. I want to talk about this book. I’m going to hold up.
0:23:55
Can I say one more thing about all these principles you’re bringing, just real quick? Okay. With all of the principles that you are bringing and that you’ve taught in our church for so many years, you taught Parents these Principles and you and I lived them in our home. And sometimes people get confused and they take these Principles and then it’s like, hammer the kid and the wife over the head. Over the head. And be rough and tough and they don’t bear the fruit of the spirit and the love of God in their home.
0:24:28
But they say, Pastor Steve says, or the Bible says, I’m not going to trust you. And of course their kids leave. Of course their kids turn against God. But so people, you have got to bring the Lord Jesus in and you must exert that theocracy of God, that love, that compassion, the training, the structure. You’ve got to do that. And then you’ll have kids whose minds are saved.
0:24:55
Yeah. You got to have the character. You got to have some character. And like I said, if you have authority, you don’t need to lose your temper and scream. You just set the boundaries that. Let’s do this quickly. If you only knew. Look at it. There’s the COVID If you go to https://morefaithmorelife.com rightnow, or anytime, you can download it free. It’s an e book. It’s going to be a hardcover book. It’s only five chapters. So you can read it fast.
0:25:18
And the first line you’re going to read is, America is sick. And I want you to understand it’s time to combine the political with the spiritual. And you need this book, what’s happening in the world today. So please get it. It’s absolutely free. All right, so we had a great time today. Till next time. Bye.
